WHAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED LOSS
The passing of a loved one is one of the most difficult experience that a person can go through in their lifetime. It can be one of the hardest and emotional times one can go through. Making sense of the loss and how your life changes after the loss is a difficult transition. Most people experience grief in their own way, which can make it difficult to know how to be there for someone who is grieving.
It can be difficult to know what to say or how to be there for someone who has experienced a significant loss. It is complicated and there is no one single statement that will help the grieving person feel better, but there is definitely a lot someone can say to make them feel worse. This is often why a lot of people will say or do very little, because they are afraid of hurting the person even more. That being said, I think most people have a good sense of judgement that can help guide them as they offer condolences and comfort to someone who is grieving.
A good place to start is simply offering your condolences. Something as simple as “I am sorry for your loss”, or “I am so sad for you and your family, please accept my condolences”. If you are closer to the
person it make be helpful to acknowledge the difficult emotions they are going through. Keep in mind you are not trying to make them “feel better” or change their emotions. A big thing NOT TO DO is to try and find the positive or a “bright side”. That is not where the person is at, and will likely do the opposite of comfort them.
Acknowledge the hurt and suffering they are going through and offer your support as they experience the pain. You can try saying “I can’t even imagine what this is like for you. This is so difficult. I am here to listen whenever you are ready to talk” or “It is okay to not be okay.” Avoid saying “I know how you feel”, even if you have gone through loss because each person experiences grief in their own unique way and their experiences may not be the same as yours. It is also important to avoid making assumptions about a person’s spiritual and religious beliefs that is unless you know them very well. Statements like “they are in a better place”, can be upsetting if a person does not ascribe to those beliefs.
One of the best way to show your support is to remind the person that you are there for them. Loss can be incredible isolating and lonely. Many people will avoid spending time with a person going through grief
because they are not sure how to be there for them, which is probable that last thing that person needs. That being said do not impose yourself either, leave it to the person who is grieving. You can offer a reminder that you are there for them when you give your condolences. They also may not be in a space where they are able to reach out for support so in your statements try to be a bit more concrete about what you can offer and when. You can say “I will call you in [a day, a week, two weeks] to check in and see how you are doing.” Or “I can come over today, you don’t have to talk. I’ll just sit here if that is what you need”.
Often times there is an outpouring of support right after the person dies and then a week later everyone gets back to their regular life. Try to be sure to check in on the person after that initial wave of support has ended. If you see that they are struggling with getting their kids to events or getting to the store then offer to do that. The person who is grieving will often not know what they need so offering something concrete is important.
It is never easy to know what to say to a person who is grieving. Keep it simple, and try to time it the best you can. Acknowledge their emotions, and remind them that you are there for them if they need to talk, vent, or just need someone to sit with. It can be helpful to think what you found helpful if you have gone through a loss. This is a difficult time for them, nothing that anyone says will ease that pain, but the support will help them get through it, and that in and of itself is doing a lot.
