UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTING YOUR PARENTS
Our parents play a huge role in our development and our relationship with them will inform how we develop relationships outside of our family. Even in a “perfect” childhood (which doesn’t exist by the way), our parents will disappoint us and we form beliefs about them as a result.
This usually starts during adolescence, when we start to individuate and we start to question our parents. We can recognize and point out their mistakes and it contrasts with how we saw our parents when we were younger, when it seemed like our parents could do no wrong. Once you see the flaws in your parents, it’s impossible to forget and you may even notice times they are hypocritical, which usually leads to some sort of conflict. As we become adults we may hang on to our views of our parents when we were children and hope that they can changes. This may result in people maintaining an unhealthy relationship with their parents, because the belief is that one day they will understand and make changes. That one day, they will be more understanding and supportive, or less intrusive and controlling. That the lightbulb will go off in their heads and they will have the insight to see when they were wrong, and maybe even apologize.
When your parents don’t make those changes, despite you trying to talk to them repeatedly, you may start to feel resentment build up. If you can accept your parents as they are, it may feel like a burden has been lifted off your back. You’re no longer fighting with them to change. Once you can accept them for who they are, then what do you do?
Creating mental boundaries can be helpful and allows you to make the decision that you won’t go to a parent with your problem knowing that they may simply never be that person that you can count on. As times passes, accepting your parent for their behavior may make it easier for you to let go of built up resentment. Your parents may still annoy you, but it does not hurt in the same way because you have accepted their limitations for what they are. Being able to see your parents for who they are can bring you closer together, other times it might mean you grow apart.
It may be helpful to talk to your parents about your shift in expectations, some parents will be supportive and understanding, even if it not something they agree with but they will respect it because they value you. This is not always the case and some parents may not be as receptive and understanding and that may make it difficult to decide how much you want to share with them. If your parents are dismissive of your feelings, it may be best to focus on your feelings. Saying “I’m going to stay on my own this year for Christmas to help reduce my anxiety”, may land better then telling them all the things that they do that give you anxiety.
Setting healthy boundaries with your parents will look different for each person. This may mean avoiding certain topics, spending less time around the holidays, or saying no to unsolicited advice. You can proactively communicate and set a boundary in advance saying something like, “Thanks for the idea, I have my own plan to handle this. Can I let you know when I need help in the future?”. Seeing your parents for who they are won’t change how much you love them, or how much they love you. It allows you to accept them for who they are, move past resentment, and set healthy boundaries going forward.
