Signs That Your Not Over THAT Break-up
Going through break-ups is a part of dating and relationships, but I don’t think that’s news to anyone. So often I see clients and friends try to “move on and get over it”, when they go through a break-up, and they can end up missing out on the healing that can happen during this time. When a relationship doesn’t work out, it leaves us feeling hurt and may even lead to or contribute to already existing insecurities. When you skip the healing step, you may think you’ve moved on but what’s more likely is that you are cycling in the grief without even realizing it. This can contribute to challenges in connecting with a new person or even being open to the idea of wanting that again for yourself. These are some of the things I have worked through with clients when working through a break-up in therapy.
1. Avoiding Reminders of the Relationship:
When we’re hurting obviously what we want to try and do is limit that pain. Things, places, people that remind us of our past relationship can be a painful and in an effort to limit that pain we avoid those triggers or reminders. That can range from avoiding a song you would listen to together, to not going on app because they might be suggested to you as a contact. Some people will even avoid certain bus routes or streets because it triggered a memory they had with that person. The things that used to be part of your identity, like that artist you like, or a favorite restaurant, now is a reminder of the pain of the break-up and so you avoid it. The problem with this is now you are creating a whole life that is now based on that past relationship and that ex-partner.
2. Black and White Thinking About the Relationship
When looking back at the relationship or the ex-partner and you see it as being completely toxic and they were a terrible person or the relationship was perfect and you glamorize your ex as being the most perfect partner. The problem with this way of thinking, it makes it hard to reflect on what contributed to the relationship not working out and what role and accountability you may have in the situation. If the person was perfect, then you end up placing all the blame on yourself, and if they were all toxic, then all the blame falls on them. Making sure you can attain a balanced perspective of the relationship can help you to reflect on the relationship in a healthy way.
3. You think About Them All Day or Most of the Day
It doesn’t matter if the break up was years ago, some people may still say “of course I still think about them everyday”, or they wake up the first thought is about that person or before going to sleep they are thinking about that person. This is another indication that they are in the forefront of your mind. You may not even consciously be thinking about them but they come up in day dream or dreams at night or nightmares or vivid flashbacks. Those intrusive thoughts can be indication there is still work to be done. This can also relate back to the previous point. If we feel that our partner was the most awful person ever or the most amazing partner, you can end up spending a lot of time ruminating about the anger your feel towards them or fixating on your perceived shortcoming that you believe let to the break-up with the “perfect person”.
4. Comparing New Potential Partner to Your Ex.
This can be a positive or negative comparison. Maybe you see this new person as being so much better than your ex. Even if you are favoring the person now you are still looking at them through the lens of that ex and how they are different from or better than that person. Instead of centering on your own needs, desires, and wants in a relationship and a partner, the focus now becomes the past relationship and how this person measures up or doesn’t.
This is not an exhaustive list, just what I have noticed coming up with the clients that I have worked with. As you went through this list and felt like any of these resonated with you, my recommendations would be to try finding a therapist to work with you as you process this break-up. That way you can speak to someone who does not know your partner or that past relationship and will understand it through your eyes and help you make decisions based on the goals you have outlined for yourself. It can be hard to be open with people who were there during the course of the relationship because they have their own opinions and it can be helpful to have a space that is a blank canvas for you to re-create that narrative and work through what your feelings are today. If you are interested in pursuing therapy after a break-up, you can connect with either Denise or Natasha for a consult to find out more.